Share Pain

You try to understand,
But you can't quite wrap your head around
The pain I've laid out for you to see.
I can tell.
It's not for a lack of trying,
Nor should you be blamed.
You cannot teach someone to feel an emotion
They've never felt before.
Do not let your heart be troubled,
By sympathy and care without comprehension,
For I have a secret for you:

I do not quite understand my pain either.

Yet the tears still fall
And the heart still writhes.
Arms still bring comfort
In the warmth that simple love provides.

It's been two nights in a row,
Of too late nights
Covered in tea
And too deep conversations
Where we've laid our hearts bare
And come out of it
Stronger and weaker
But so much better friends.
'Cause now I'm carrying you
And you're carrying me.
I've carried friends before,
And now I see just how much I've changed
As now I let other not only see my burdens
But carry them with me.

I writhe in embarrassment,
And mortification,
And resolve never to text him again,
Just before reaching for my phone
And composing a message
That I might never send.

Just about to burst with bitterness,
I am reminded
That it would be far better
To find away
To build something lovely
Even with all this distress.

I'm pushing a wall,
Hoping to move it,
Shift it,
Change it, something!
More importantly,
I'm hoping
It will push back.

Little fairy lights,
All blinking in a line.
Little fairy lights,
In mason jars do shine.

They line the darkened pathway
To secrets known to all,
They're hanging from the trees
On the road to the music hall.

Every day
Without him in it
Is a little sadder
Than those with him.
And I want to do everything
Within my power
To call his attention to me,
His affections,
But yet that is not who I am.
So I'll quietly sit here
And pen silent poems
To the world who will never read them.

Pulled and twisted,
Ached and bleeding,
Sweating far too much,
I collapse on my chair,
Longing for a drink
Or sleep.
The latter comes first
In the aftermath
Of a fantastic out-door swing dance.

Can he hear my bird-like heart
Smashing itself
Against the bars of this cage,
Called fear,
And crying out in tones I think sweet,
"Like me?"

Do you think he can see
The way my eyes
Flicker and follow
And track his movement,
Murmuring quietly,
"Notice me?"

Can he tell
That I didn't hear a word
Of the song we danced to
Because I was too busy
Smiling
Over every little gesture he made?

Do you think he hears
The very pattern of my voice
Striving to say
In all too few words
And hide in an every-day conversation,
"Adore me?"

When no one wants you,
How do you want yourself?
When no one gives you a chance,
How do you take a chance for you?
Yet somehow,
The easiest thing to do when I feel low
Is lift others up.

I guide my friend,
As best I can,
Through her sorrows,
Feeling for all the world
Like the blind
Leading the blind.

For food,
For school,
I will stroll
Along campus's paved paths.
Ah,
But for dance,
For dance I will race
Down paths of my own choosing.