It's easy to cry
and not be noticed.
To hide yourself away
beneath a veneer
for fear of cracks
and dammit-
you were going to write a poem
for a friend's birthday
even though he doesn't deserve it
but fuckit-
you have nothing now.

nothing to give.
nothing to hold.
nothing to comfort.

what good
is this
pride,
this self worth,
in the face of
all your miserable failings
and the ways you don't measure up.

The sun is shining for you,
though I am trapped in grey,
swallowed by shadows
and not enough light-
I'm sorry.
This was supposed to be something joyful,
Something thoughtful
but not depressing.

Maybe there's no joy left.

In a lighter moment,
I recognized my patterns.
I noted the development of my style.

there's an "Icarus Cycle"-
with the last entry made at the end of April-
where wings of wax
and falling images
slipped into poem after poem,
some happy,
many not.

My capitalization rules
vary and change.
Once I followed a self-rule
Of every line
Beginning with a capital.
Then it changed
to only every complete
phrase,
or it's commencement.
Sometimes I'm too tired to care.

I play a little more too,
when I'm intentional
and not just writing for practice.
I play with indentation,
with punctuation.

I can't wait
to see how I'll grow.

I can create
inside a kitchen,
but I lack the confidence
to do so with wild abandon.
I hesitate,
I check and re-check,
then check again.
There is so much that could go wrong,
and there are others' happiness at stake.

I do not need people
to tear down
things I am proud of,
or even me.
I am critical enough of myself.
I don't need you
to remind me
of how pathetic I am.

How self-centered,
how vain am I?
To think that my own failures
make me so pathetic
that I am worthless
even though
the Creator of the Universe
has deemed me forgiven
and Loved.

Perhaps I really am as pathetic
as I fear.

there's circular reasoning
in there somewhere.
Where is the weak link
that I might break this chain?

Panic, panic,
putting myself forward,
paving a future,
probably, hopefully.
Perhaps I'll fail.
Possibly not.